Q : Richard, what made you bring your chain of bottom parlours to London?
A : I was actually in London hooking up with some old friends and I asked one of them for a recommendation of a good local bottom parlour. When they looked puzzled I realised that what we have on virtually every street corner in LA simply doesn’t exist in the UK. You Brits are simply light years behind when it comes to fecal health!
Q : How have us Brits taken to the concept?
A : Initially with amusement (the British love toilet humour) but now we have thousands of regular customers. I think some of then had simply never experienced 8-ply toilet paper before or the sensation of a crystal salt spray on their buttocks. The reaction has been extraordinary. Customers have also really embraced the complimentary faecal analysis we offer and realise that one of the most important relationships you’ll have in life is with your Fecal Consultant.
Q : Do you think we’ll ever start seeing a visible improvement in Londoners’ fecal health?
A : Funnily enough the Chairman of the British Fecal Institute, Sir Jonathan Cavendish, telephoned me last week to inform me that he was already seeing material improvements in the patients his doctors were seeing and for that he thanked me profusely. From being ranked a shocking 93rd in the world for fecal health in 2016, the U.K. has now climbed up to 90th position alongside the likes of Bolivia and Mali. Give me another five years concentrating on Londoners’ bottoms and I promise a top 80 placing.